Won't anyone think of the children??!!

After reading this recent article, where a lone male was turned away from Puxton Park in Somerset because he was on his own (because clearly, anyone going anywhere on their own is a danger to children), I took a look at the park's website and paid particular attention to their pricing and terms & conditions of entry... and having noticed a flaw, decided to email them as follows:

Hello!

My name's Dave, and I'm hoping to come and visit your park very soon.

Unfortunately, I'm struggling to understand your terms and conditions - I'm 17 years old, which means I'm classed as a child according to your website:

Further down on your entry terms, you also mention the following points:

Now, as a 17 year old (almost 18!), I definitely don't fall in the "under 17" category (simple maths dictates that 16 and below is "under 17"), so taking your published terms at face value, I assume I can come into the park unaccompanied by an adult, and also alone - I'm not single (I have a girlfriend, she just doesn't want to come as she freaks out whenever she sees a bird of prey).

I'd be grateful if you can confirm that I've interpreted your published terms and conditions correctly - and if I haven't, can you let me know exactly which conditions I've not met (assuming you've not just made an error in writing the terms, of course?)  

I look forward to your reply.

Regards,

Dave

(aged 17 3/4)

The TomTom that can read your mind!!! *

Hello,

I've recently heard some of your radio commercials for your TomTom navigation systems, and I'm slightly confused as to what's happening during the course of the journeys featured.

The gist of each of the adverts is that, after a faux-pas during an in-car conversation, the driver of the vehicle accesses the satnav which then announces "There's an alternative route that's 'x' minutes faster" (where 'x' is the period of time the satnav is saving by choosing this route).  Here's where my confusion begins...

If the driver was making his own way to the target location, but then decided to use the satnav to compute a new route after saying the wrong thing to his passenger, the satnav can't announce that there's a faster journey because it wasn't following a route in the first place - it cannot possibly know what route the driver intended on taking, unless it's reading the thought processes of the driver (spooky, eh?!)  

Therefore, the driver must be using the satnav in each of the scenarios featured, and this also means the route the TomTom originally suggested was not the fastest one.  Now, I don't know about you, but I've yet to meet anyone who uses any satnav and thinks "I'll set the second fastest route to my destination".  There may well be a few drivers who like arriving later, or driving further, than they might otherwise need to, but I'm sure they're few and far between.

This, of course, begs the question - do TomTom's routinely suggest the second-best route, saving the best route for their socially inept users who will inevitably need assistance after offending their passengers?  Or do they come fitted with mindreading jiggery-pokery technology, and should drivers be donning tinfoil hats before commencing their journeys?

I look forward to your reply.

Regards,
Dave


* Incidentally, for anyone that's worrying over the title of this piece, the devices don't read your minds... or do they??!!

The reply:

Dear Dave,

Ciara here from Tom Tom, Thank you for your email inquiry.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us about our new Radio Advertising Campaign.

I would like to explain a little about how the unit works and this may allow you to perhaps understand the concept behind these Radio Ads.

The new generation of Tom Tom GO Units has a Traffic Service, this is what the add is based around.

The Traffic service is provided through an in-built SIM card connected to a network or though a connected SmartPhone.

When a route is planned and you are heading towards your destination, the device will always plan the Fastest route- unless you choose otherwise (for example Eco routes/ shortest route)

As you go along the route, if there is a traffic build up at a certain point- the original route now has a delay. The device picks this up and offers a quicker route- avoiding the Traffic on the original route.

This is what you hear in the ad, this offer of a new route means that you can avoid this Traffic build up and choose a quicker route.

It just happens to be a coincidence that it occurs at these 'awkward' moments in the advert - allowing you to get to your destination quicker. A light hearted situation to explain the benefit of using a TomTom.

I hope this helps with you understanding the concept of the ad but also on how our devices work.

It was a pleasure to help, let us know if you need any further assistance and we will endeavour to help.

Take care in the meantime!

With Kind Regards,
Ciara

So there you have it - it's not some miracle mind-reading technique, it's just avoiding traffic jams at exactly the same time as the driver puts their foot in it... ;)

A inadvertent history lesson from Mitsubishi...

Hello,

 I've just seen your latest advert for your new Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV on the telly, and I'm slightly confused by one aspect of it.

 Being a hybrid electric car, I'd have thought that promoting it as a new, exciting, technology, which is changing the way cars are perceived would be the way to go, and that's how the advert starts... but then, towards the end, the advert says that "paying road tax is a thing of the past".

 Road tax was abolished in 1937 - not something I would feel was something to shout about if I was talking about a new vehicle I'd made. Surely if you need to fill a bit of space in the advert there's other stuff you could mention - cup holders, or legroom, for example? Just a thought... ;)

Regards,
Dave

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your website enquiry and comments.

Whilst ‘Road Tax’ is no longer the official name it a very common alternative name for VED and, as such, we believe its use is justified.

Yours sincerely,

Nadine

Perhaps the reason it's a "common alternative name" is because Mitsubishi and others like them keep using the term incorrectly... and no, they didn't tell me how many cupholders or how much legroom the vehicle has!  I've sent the following response:

Hi Nadine,

Thanks for your reply. 

“Road tax” may well be a common alternative name for VED among the uninitiated, but that’s only because people and companies such as Mitsubishi (who really should know better), insist on using the term incorrectly.  You might as well argue that you can stick apostrophes anywhere you like, because greengrocers commonly advertise “potatoe’s” and “carrot’s” on boards outside their establishments.  Just because something is common doesn't make it right.

”Road tax” is also an extremely contentious term - I’m sure you’ve heard of occasions where motorists have had a case of road rage, exclaiming “I pay road tax, you don’t!” to cyclists or pedestrians (many of whom also drive motor vehicles) - if you haven’t, there’s a typical example in a YouTube clip, here.  It’s definitely worth watching.  There are other examples, but this simple clip demonstrates the point without being graphic.

I’d suggest that “car tax” or “vehicle tax” are just as easily understood as “road tax”, and much more accurate too.  It may seem a minor point, but there is a very important distinction between the two terms. 

Regards,

Dave

I know this reply is uncharacteristically serious, but this has irked me!

-- UPDATE --

Today I received the following reply:

Dear Dave,

Thank you for your email.

As part of the development of new advertising campaigns, a rigorous process of ensuring that our communications are clear and understandable to our target audience is undertaken.

The views and approval from four key authorities are sought:

1. The legal advisory team at the Institute of Practitioners in Advertising (IPA)
2. The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA)
3. The Copy Advice Team at the Committee of Advertising Practice (CAP)
4. Clearcast (the body responsible for clearing copy before a commercial can be aired on TV).

Their collective view is that the phrase 'Road Tax' is a more commonly used phrase than 'Vehicle Excise Duty' and would therefore be better understood by the widest audience.  As a consequence this advice has been followed in the development of the advertising copy for the launch of the new Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV.

Kind regards,
Nadine

This is clearly a cut & paste job, so I'm not the only bod to have picked them up on this (there's an interesting website, ipayroadtax.com, who have also been in touch with them about this advert).  It's also clear that there's little chance of any acknowledgement being received from Mitsubishi about the terms "car tax" or "vehicle tax" being easily understood by the general public, and being more accurate terms too, so I've sent this reply which, I hope, will at least get some agreement from them.

Hello Nadine,

Many thanks for your reply.  

I’d suggest the ASA (and the other organisations you contacted), are probably not particularly well informed when it comes to the issue of what VED should otherwise be referred to (although it’s interesting to note that they have used the term “car tax” on their website in the past).  This is a shame, because the ASA claim to ensure advertisements are “legal, decent, honest, and truthful”.

I’m not suggesting Mitsubishi are intentionally trying to mislead the public (you’re correct, after all - as I mentioned previously, road tax is a thing of the past, having been abolished almost 80 years ago), but the term “car tax” is arguably just as well understood by the general public, and actually reflects what the tax is for.

Incidentally, if Mitsubishi are using the term “road tax” simply because it’s more easily understood than Vehicle Excise Duty, then why refer to “Government Road Fund Licence” in the small print at the bottom of your website?  it’s unnecessarily wordy, and like “road tax”, incorrect!

I’m clearly not expecting you to change your advert now that it’s been released - I’m simply asking that you consider using the more accurate “car tax” or “vehicle tax” in future campaigns.  “Road Tax” is a contentious term for the reasons I touched upon in my earlier email, and it would be a shame if an otherwise forward-thinking company like Mitsubishi alienated a large section of society by insisting on clinging onto an outdated and inaccurate concept.  

“Road Tax” is a thing of the past… please, let’s keep it there!

Regards,

Dave

Decisions, decisions...

Dear Sirs,

I am writing regarding a problem resulting from the apparent disharmony between the TWIX factories, as seen on the recent TV adverts and your own TWIX website.

According to the TWIX website, The left TWIX is packaged between the hours of 12:00am and 11:00am, and the right TWIX is packaged between 12:00pm and 11:00pm.

This clearly means that one or other of the TWIX bars is left unsealed for a longer period than the other.  I'd prefer to eat the older, unsealed bar first - could you let me know which one this is?  I've had to forgo eating TWIX bars since the advert came out because I'm so concerned about eating food that's been left unsealed or unwrapped.

Personally, I feel it would be better for all concerned if both TWIX companies just settled their differences and worked as one - it would certainly put my mind at rest over which bar to eat first.

Regards,
Dave



Dear Dave,

Thanks for getting in touch.

The advert is there for marketing and entertainment purposes only, the Twix bars are made in one one factory. 

We hope that helps clear up any confusion.

Kind regards,

Jai
Mars Consumer Care

The crumbliest, flakiest milk chocolate in the world...

Hello,

I recently purchased a 4-pack of Cadbury's Flake, which feature the new "peel and reveal" wrappers.  Wanting to try out this remarkable new innovation, I followed the concise instructions ("Tear Here") only to discover a terrible flaw in the design.

The old wrappers, which just peeled apart, doubled up as perfect crumb catchers - Flake's famously being "the crumbliest, flakiest milk chocolate in the world" - a tagline I remember from the adverts shown on TV during my youth.  Unfortunately the new wrappers effectively just rip in half, meaning the only thing left to catch the crumbs is whatever you happen to be wearing at the time - in this case, my Welsh rugby shirt (we may be out of the running for the Six Nations, but I'm a patriotic fella!)  But I digress...

The instructions seem clear enough, and I'm pretty certain I'm opening them correctly.  Therefore, I can only deduce that the person who designed this wrapper has either:

  a) never eaten a Flake before, or

  b) only ever eaten them in the bath, like the attractive woman from the aforementioned advert - it may be 20-30 years on, but I was an impressionable young lad and these things tend to stick in the mind (if you catch my drift).

As everybody loves Cadbury Flakes, I can only imagine that option (b) is the preferred answer - sitting in a bath full of water would, at least, give you a quick and easy option to clean up any chocolate crumb mishaps.

I should add that I took advantage of the multipack and opened the remaining three Flakes (purely for the sake of experimentation of course) - unfortunately, I couldn't find a way of opening the wrappers without destroying their crumb-catching capabilities.  As a result, I now own the crumbliest, flakiest, milk chocolate covered rugby shirt in the world.

Regards,
Dave



Sadly in the years that have passed since I last emailed Cadbury, they seem to have curbed their sense of humour - indeed, they appear to have taken my email quite seriously indeed:

Thank you for contacting us concerning the packaging of the Cadbury Flake.

I am sorry if you feel the packaging is now unsatisfactory. That was certainly not our intention and we are sorry if the packaging isnt to your liking.

Packaging is continually updated to make it both attractive and durable and whilst we had not planned to make any immediate changes to this particular pack we will make a thorough investigation and make any change that would ensure customer confidence.

We do very much appreciate feedback from our customers and I would like to thank you for taking the trouble to contact us.

Kind regards

Rosie 
Consumer Relations Team 

Tartar, cavities, discolouration... it's all so confusing!

Hello!

I have a problem, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help.

I normally buy my supermarket's own-brand toothpaste, but as I get older I've become more concerned about the state of my teeth - once I lose these babies, I'm stuffed - so I've decided to start buying something more professional, from a company that concentrates on one specific area.  Therein lies my problem.

I've just got back from a shopping trip, and I didn't realise how confusing toothpaste can be.  There's stuff for bad breath, discoloured teeth, cavities, and tartar (although you probably already know that, as you manufacture them).  I was in a quandry as to which one I should buy, so I decided to hedge my bets and buy a tube of each.

What I need to know is, is there a specific order in which should use them?  I'm going to have to wake up earlier to brush my teeth four times, so I'd like to make sure I'm doing it correctly and maximising the protective power of the paste.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Dave

Subject: Your recent e-mail to Colgate-Palmolive

Dear Mr. W,

Thank you for contacting us with your question.  Your interest in our Company and our products is greatly appreciated.  We are happy to have the opportunity to assist you.  

Dentists recommend to brush teeth at least twice a day with a fluoride toothpaste.

May we suggest you to try Colgate Total® Advanced Clean toothpaste it contains a unique formula that fights today's most common oral health problems, including plaque, tartar build-up, gingivitis, and bad breath. The advanced cleaning silica used in this toothpaste is similar to what dentists use to help maintain a dentist clean feeling.

We do recommend that you consult your dentist or hygienist for specific advice.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for your interest in our Company and its products.

Yours sincerely

Mohammed
Consumer Services Representative.

Of course, that begs the question - if Colgate Total does everything, why waste time, effort and money producing less capable products?  After all, I doubt anyone shopping for toothpaste thinks "Ah well, I'm worried about tartar buildup but I don't mind having cavities or yellow teeth..."

Where do you want to go today?

Hello!

My name is Dave, and I'm a bus driver.  Unlike a lot of my colleagues (who are, quite frankly, miserable), I pride myself in giving a friendly greeting to all the passengers who choose to get on my bus.

Unfortunately, I was told by my manager that I'm no longer allowed to ask "Where do you want to go today?" as it's a trademark of your company.  I was wondering whether you had any suggestions as to what I might be able to say in place of this?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Dave


Response:

Hello Dave,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

I do apologize for the inconvenience it causes you but I wasn't able to clearly understand your concern and I would like to ask you to kindly restate it.

As a Customer Service Representative, I am here to assist you in finding the right place to get help with your questions and provide resources to resolve your concern.

               

In order for me to assist you better, I need additional information:

·  The task you are trying to accomplish (e.g. are you trying to download Updates, Application, or Programs)

·  The steps you performed and where the process failed (e.g. crashed, freeze, stop responding, reboot)

·  The exact and complete wording of any error message you received if any (e.g. Error message, Error code)

·  The Microsoft product/service (Please include the Version and Edition e.g. Internet Explorer, Windows XP Home Edition, Windows Vista Home Premium, Windows 7 Ultimate, Outlook, MSN, etc.).

Once I have these details, I will be able to determine the appropriate resources to assist you.

I appreciate your patience and look forward to your reply.

Thank you,

Randie

Microsoft Customer Service Representative

Absolutely clueless.  I do, however, love the fact I've been contacted by a randy Microsoft representative.

Have a break...

Hello!

I'd love to eat a Kit Kat, but I'm really busy and don't have time to take a break. Can they be eaten while I'm working, and if so, will I get the full benefit of chocolate wafer goodness?

Yours,
Dave


Reply:

Dear Mr W.

Thank you for getting in touch about Kit Kat.

We are very pleased to hear that you enjoy them so much. Kit Kats can be consumed by you any time during the day and you will still get the full satisfaction. We take great pride in producing really good products so it is fantastic when we get positive feedback like this. For us, it is confirmation that we are getting it right and giving you what you want.

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to contact us. We hope you will continue to enjoy our products in the future.

Yours sincerely

Natalie 
Contact Centre Executive
Consumer Services

The car in front...

Hello!

I know I really shouldn't be emailing you when I'm driving, but I thought you should know that the car in front of me isn't actually a Toyota - it looks more like a Nissan Note. Has my satnav misled me, and sent me the wrong way?

Cheers,
Dave




Awaiting reply...

Once you've popped...

Hello!

According to your Pringles adverts, "Once you pop, you can't stop".  Well, I've been chomping my way through a tube of your tasty Texas BBQ flavour snack whilst watching the telly (nothing interesting - Monday's TV is always a bit rubbish, I wish I'd rented a DVD now). 

Anyhow, I digress... I've been munching away, but I'm now full and I've only managed about half a tube... am I doing something wrong?  I admit, I started off by wolfing them down so perhaps I've over-exerted myself, but I'd appreciate any suggestions which may help improve my Pringles eating experience.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks,
Dave


I didn't hear a thing until a week later, when the following email arrived:

We are dedicated to providing prompt, efficient and courteous service to all our consumers and hope that based on your recent experience contacting Pringles, you can provide us with some feedback on how well we are meeting this goal. We will use this data to help improve our service to all of our consumers. We appreciate your opinion and would like to receive your response in the next two weeks. Thank you for taking the time to help us serve you better.
Please click here to begin the survey.

Please don't complete survey until we have responded to your initial email. This mailbox is not monitored. Please do not respond to this email. Please follow the normal channels of getting in touch with us.
Thanking you in advance,
Procter & Gamble
Global Consumer Services

I assume that I am going to get a reply at some point, if only so I can complete the survey...

Cold pizza's not for me...

Dear Dominos,

I know a number of people like eating leftover pizza for breakfast.  I, however, never have any pizza slices left to eat the following day (I do like my pizza, as any of my friends or family will confirm).  I also like my bed, especially on cold mornings - unfortunately I like it a little too much, and often don't leave myself enough time to make breakfast before I have to leave for work. 

Therein lies my dilemma - if I didn't love my pizza I'd have something left to eat, and if I didn't love my bed I could make something to eat.

Now, I walk past a Dominos every morning on my way to work (and I'm sure many other people do, too).  Have you ever thought about breakfast pizza?  It would be the same as normal pizza, but served early (obviously), and would benefit over eating leftovers as it would be hot. 

I think this is a marvellous idea, and so does my mate Chris.  I'm happy to waive any claim to this idea if you feel it would be a worthwhile endeavour.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours,
Dave.


Reply:

Dear Dave

Thank you for contacting Domino’s Pizza with your idea it is very much appreciated.

Your comments have been taken on board and will be considered at our next e-commerce development meeting. 

Once again, thank you for sharing your idea it’s always a pleasure to hear from our customers.

Many Thanks

Tracey 

Customer Service Co-Ordinator

A Mars a day...

Hello!

According to the advert, "A Mars a day helps you work, rest, and play".

I'm currently signed off with a bad back - I've eaten a Mars Bar but I don't feel any better (even when I'm resting, like my doctor said I should). Am I doing something wrong? I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers,
Dave



Reply:


Dear Dave,

Thank you for contacting us about our Mars Bar Advert. I am sorry to hear you are unwell however Mars Bars cannot be used for medicinal purposes.

Please note the strap line for our advertising has changed and is now Mars "work, rest and play".

Our advertising campaigns are designed to appeal to a wide range of people and it is not our intention to upset or offend anyone.

We do, however, appreciate your feelings and apologise that we may have offended you.

Once again, thank you for contacting Mars.

Yours sincerely

Victoria
Consumer Care Team 


Nicely handled, Mars - especially sympathising about my 'condition'!

How it all started

Back in 2004, I was eating some chocolate whilst having a conversation in an online chatroom with some friends.  The chocolate was particularly tasty, so almost immediately after I'd finished the first bar I ate another... and then I had another...

The chocolate in question was Cadbury's Fudge - the one with the advertising slogan "A finger of Fudge is just enough until it's time to eat..." - and that got me thinking... what would happen if you took adverts and slogans literally?

Now, the beauty of the internet is that almost every company has an email address or contact form on their website, so I emailed Cadbury with the following query:

I have a question - according to the TV advert, "A finger of Fudge is just enough until it's time to eat..."

If that's the case, can you explain why I have just eaten three in a row?

I look forward to your reply!

Regards,

David

I wasn't really expecting a reply - after all, it was a daft email - but I thought it might bring a smile to someone's face when they waded through the usual complaints and queries.  So imagine my surprise when  I came home from work the following day to see I'd had a reply:

Thanks for your email.

A finger of fudge is usually just enough for many consumers - maybe we should consider making a larger bar for consumers who need more than one bar.

I've passed your comments onto our marketing department for their information.

Thanks
Jane

Result!  Now, almost 6 years on, I've decided to email some other companies - here are the questions (and hopefully the replies!)