Decisions, decisions...

Dear Sirs,

I am writing regarding a problem resulting from the apparent disharmony between the TWIX factories, as seen on the recent TV adverts and your own TWIX website.

According to the TWIX website, The left TWIX is packaged between the hours of 12:00am and 11:00am, and the right TWIX is packaged between 12:00pm and 11:00pm.

This clearly means that one or other of the TWIX bars is left unsealed for a longer period than the other.  I'd prefer to eat the older, unsealed bar first - could you let me know which one this is?  I've had to forgo eating TWIX bars since the advert came out because I'm so concerned about eating food that's been left unsealed or unwrapped.

Personally, I feel it would be better for all concerned if both TWIX companies just settled their differences and worked as one - it would certainly put my mind at rest over which bar to eat first.

Regards,
Dave



Dear Dave,

Thanks for getting in touch.

The advert is there for marketing and entertainment purposes only, the Twix bars are made in one one factory. 

We hope that helps clear up any confusion.

Kind regards,

Jai
Mars Consumer Care

The crumbliest, flakiest milk chocolate in the world...

Hello,

I recently purchased a 4-pack of Cadbury's Flake, which feature the new "peel and reveal" wrappers.  Wanting to try out this remarkable new innovation, I followed the concise instructions ("Tear Here") only to discover a terrible flaw in the design.

The old wrappers, which just peeled apart, doubled up as perfect crumb catchers - Flake's famously being "the crumbliest, flakiest milk chocolate in the world" - a tagline I remember from the adverts shown on TV during my youth.  Unfortunately the new wrappers effectively just rip in half, meaning the only thing left to catch the crumbs is whatever you happen to be wearing at the time - in this case, my Welsh rugby shirt (we may be out of the running for the Six Nations, but I'm a patriotic fella!)  But I digress...

The instructions seem clear enough, and I'm pretty certain I'm opening them correctly.  Therefore, I can only deduce that the person who designed this wrapper has either:

  a) never eaten a Flake before, or

  b) only ever eaten them in the bath, like the attractive woman from the aforementioned advert - it may be 20-30 years on, but I was an impressionable young lad and these things tend to stick in the mind (if you catch my drift).

As everybody loves Cadbury Flakes, I can only imagine that option (b) is the preferred answer - sitting in a bath full of water would, at least, give you a quick and easy option to clean up any chocolate crumb mishaps.

I should add that I took advantage of the multipack and opened the remaining three Flakes (purely for the sake of experimentation of course) - unfortunately, I couldn't find a way of opening the wrappers without destroying their crumb-catching capabilities.  As a result, I now own the crumbliest, flakiest, milk chocolate covered rugby shirt in the world.

Regards,
Dave



Sadly in the years that have passed since I last emailed Cadbury, they seem to have curbed their sense of humour - indeed, they appear to have taken my email quite seriously indeed:

Thank you for contacting us concerning the packaging of the Cadbury Flake.

I am sorry if you feel the packaging is now unsatisfactory. That was certainly not our intention and we are sorry if the packaging isnt to your liking.

Packaging is continually updated to make it both attractive and durable and whilst we had not planned to make any immediate changes to this particular pack we will make a thorough investigation and make any change that would ensure customer confidence.

We do very much appreciate feedback from our customers and I would like to thank you for taking the trouble to contact us.

Kind regards

Rosie 
Consumer Relations Team 

Tartar, cavities, discolouration... it's all so confusing!

Hello!

I have a problem, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help.

I normally buy my supermarket's own-brand toothpaste, but as I get older I've become more concerned about the state of my teeth - once I lose these babies, I'm stuffed - so I've decided to start buying something more professional, from a company that concentrates on one specific area.  Therein lies my problem.

I've just got back from a shopping trip, and I didn't realise how confusing toothpaste can be.  There's stuff for bad breath, discoloured teeth, cavities, and tartar (although you probably already know that, as you manufacture them).  I was in a quandry as to which one I should buy, so I decided to hedge my bets and buy a tube of each.

What I need to know is, is there a specific order in which should use them?  I'm going to have to wake up earlier to brush my teeth four times, so I'd like to make sure I'm doing it correctly and maximising the protective power of the paste.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Dave

Subject: Your recent e-mail to Colgate-Palmolive

Dear Mr. W,

Thank you for contacting us with your question.  Your interest in our Company and our products is greatly appreciated.  We are happy to have the opportunity to assist you.  

Dentists recommend to brush teeth at least twice a day with a fluoride toothpaste.

May we suggest you to try Colgate Total® Advanced Clean toothpaste it contains a unique formula that fights today's most common oral health problems, including plaque, tartar build-up, gingivitis, and bad breath. The advanced cleaning silica used in this toothpaste is similar to what dentists use to help maintain a dentist clean feeling.

We do recommend that you consult your dentist or hygienist for specific advice.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for your interest in our Company and its products.

Yours sincerely

Mohammed
Consumer Services Representative.

Of course, that begs the question - if Colgate Total does everything, why waste time, effort and money producing less capable products?  After all, I doubt anyone shopping for toothpaste thinks "Ah well, I'm worried about tartar buildup but I don't mind having cavities or yellow teeth..."

Where do you want to go today?

Hello!

My name is Dave, and I'm a bus driver.  Unlike a lot of my colleagues (who are, quite frankly, miserable), I pride myself in giving a friendly greeting to all the passengers who choose to get on my bus.

Unfortunately, I was told by my manager that I'm no longer allowed to ask "Where do you want to go today?" as it's a trademark of your company.  I was wondering whether you had any suggestions as to what I might be able to say in place of this?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Dave


Response:

Hello Dave,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

I do apologize for the inconvenience it causes you but I wasn't able to clearly understand your concern and I would like to ask you to kindly restate it.

As a Customer Service Representative, I am here to assist you in finding the right place to get help with your questions and provide resources to resolve your concern.

               

In order for me to assist you better, I need additional information:

·  The task you are trying to accomplish (e.g. are you trying to download Updates, Application, or Programs)

·  The steps you performed and where the process failed (e.g. crashed, freeze, stop responding, reboot)

·  The exact and complete wording of any error message you received if any (e.g. Error message, Error code)

·  The Microsoft product/service (Please include the Version and Edition e.g. Internet Explorer, Windows XP Home Edition, Windows Vista Home Premium, Windows 7 Ultimate, Outlook, MSN, etc.).

Once I have these details, I will be able to determine the appropriate resources to assist you.

I appreciate your patience and look forward to your reply.

Thank you,

Randie

Microsoft Customer Service Representative

Absolutely clueless.  I do, however, love the fact I've been contacted by a randy Microsoft representative.

Have a break...

Hello!

I'd love to eat a Kit Kat, but I'm really busy and don't have time to take a break. Can they be eaten while I'm working, and if so, will I get the full benefit of chocolate wafer goodness?

Yours,
Dave


Reply:

Dear Mr W.

Thank you for getting in touch about Kit Kat.

We are very pleased to hear that you enjoy them so much. Kit Kats can be consumed by you any time during the day and you will still get the full satisfaction. We take great pride in producing really good products so it is fantastic when we get positive feedback like this. For us, it is confirmation that we are getting it right and giving you what you want.

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to contact us. We hope you will continue to enjoy our products in the future.

Yours sincerely

Natalie 
Contact Centre Executive
Consumer Services

The car in front...

Hello!

I know I really shouldn't be emailing you when I'm driving, but I thought you should know that the car in front of me isn't actually a Toyota - it looks more like a Nissan Note. Has my satnav misled me, and sent me the wrong way?

Cheers,
Dave




Awaiting reply...

Once you've popped...

Hello!

According to your Pringles adverts, "Once you pop, you can't stop".  Well, I've been chomping my way through a tube of your tasty Texas BBQ flavour snack whilst watching the telly (nothing interesting - Monday's TV is always a bit rubbish, I wish I'd rented a DVD now). 

Anyhow, I digress... I've been munching away, but I'm now full and I've only managed about half a tube... am I doing something wrong?  I admit, I started off by wolfing them down so perhaps I've over-exerted myself, but I'd appreciate any suggestions which may help improve my Pringles eating experience.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks,
Dave


I didn't hear a thing until a week later, when the following email arrived:

We are dedicated to providing prompt, efficient and courteous service to all our consumers and hope that based on your recent experience contacting Pringles, you can provide us with some feedback on how well we are meeting this goal. We will use this data to help improve our service to all of our consumers. We appreciate your opinion and would like to receive your response in the next two weeks. Thank you for taking the time to help us serve you better.
Please click here to begin the survey.

Please don't complete survey until we have responded to your initial email. This mailbox is not monitored. Please do not respond to this email. Please follow the normal channels of getting in touch with us.
Thanking you in advance,
Procter & Gamble
Global Consumer Services

I assume that I am going to get a reply at some point, if only so I can complete the survey...