Tartar, cavities, discolouration... it's all so confusing!

Hello!

I have a problem, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help.

I normally buy my supermarket's own-brand toothpaste, but as I get older I've become more concerned about the state of my teeth - once I lose these babies, I'm stuffed - so I've decided to start buying something more professional, from a company that concentrates on one specific area.  Therein lies my problem.

I've just got back from a shopping trip, and I didn't realise how confusing toothpaste can be.  There's stuff for bad breath, discoloured teeth, cavities, and tartar (although you probably already know that, as you manufacture them).  I was in a quandry as to which one I should buy, so I decided to hedge my bets and buy a tube of each.

What I need to know is, is there a specific order in which should use them?  I'm going to have to wake up earlier to brush my teeth four times, so I'd like to make sure I'm doing it correctly and maximising the protective power of the paste.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Dave

Subject: Your recent e-mail to Colgate-Palmolive

Dear Mr. W,

Thank you for contacting us with your question.  Your interest in our Company and our products is greatly appreciated.  We are happy to have the opportunity to assist you.  

Dentists recommend to brush teeth at least twice a day with a fluoride toothpaste.

May we suggest you to try Colgate Total® Advanced Clean toothpaste it contains a unique formula that fights today's most common oral health problems, including plaque, tartar build-up, gingivitis, and bad breath. The advanced cleaning silica used in this toothpaste is similar to what dentists use to help maintain a dentist clean feeling.

We do recommend that you consult your dentist or hygienist for specific advice.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for your interest in our Company and its products.

Yours sincerely

Mohammed
Consumer Services Representative.

Of course, that begs the question - if Colgate Total does everything, why waste time, effort and money producing less capable products?  After all, I doubt anyone shopping for toothpaste thinks "Ah well, I'm worried about tartar buildup but I don't mind having cavities or yellow teeth..."

Where do you want to go today?

Hello!

My name is Dave, and I'm a bus driver.  Unlike a lot of my colleagues (who are, quite frankly, miserable), I pride myself in giving a friendly greeting to all the passengers who choose to get on my bus.

Unfortunately, I was told by my manager that I'm no longer allowed to ask "Where do you want to go today?" as it's a trademark of your company.  I was wondering whether you had any suggestions as to what I might be able to say in place of this?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Dave


Response:

Hello Dave,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

I do apologize for the inconvenience it causes you but I wasn't able to clearly understand your concern and I would like to ask you to kindly restate it.

As a Customer Service Representative, I am here to assist you in finding the right place to get help with your questions and provide resources to resolve your concern.

               

In order for me to assist you better, I need additional information:

·  The task you are trying to accomplish (e.g. are you trying to download Updates, Application, or Programs)

·  The steps you performed and where the process failed (e.g. crashed, freeze, stop responding, reboot)

·  The exact and complete wording of any error message you received if any (e.g. Error message, Error code)

·  The Microsoft product/service (Please include the Version and Edition e.g. Internet Explorer, Windows XP Home Edition, Windows Vista Home Premium, Windows 7 Ultimate, Outlook, MSN, etc.).

Once I have these details, I will be able to determine the appropriate resources to assist you.

I appreciate your patience and look forward to your reply.

Thank you,

Randie

Microsoft Customer Service Representative

Absolutely clueless.  I do, however, love the fact I've been contacted by a randy Microsoft representative.

Have a break...

Hello!

I'd love to eat a Kit Kat, but I'm really busy and don't have time to take a break. Can they be eaten while I'm working, and if so, will I get the full benefit of chocolate wafer goodness?

Yours,
Dave


Reply:

Dear Mr W.

Thank you for getting in touch about Kit Kat.

We are very pleased to hear that you enjoy them so much. Kit Kats can be consumed by you any time during the day and you will still get the full satisfaction. We take great pride in producing really good products so it is fantastic when we get positive feedback like this. For us, it is confirmation that we are getting it right and giving you what you want.

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to contact us. We hope you will continue to enjoy our products in the future.

Yours sincerely

Natalie 
Contact Centre Executive
Consumer Services

The car in front...

Hello!

I know I really shouldn't be emailing you when I'm driving, but I thought you should know that the car in front of me isn't actually a Toyota - it looks more like a Nissan Note. Has my satnav misled me, and sent me the wrong way?

Cheers,
Dave




Awaiting reply...

Once you've popped...

Hello!

According to your Pringles adverts, "Once you pop, you can't stop".  Well, I've been chomping my way through a tube of your tasty Texas BBQ flavour snack whilst watching the telly (nothing interesting - Monday's TV is always a bit rubbish, I wish I'd rented a DVD now). 

Anyhow, I digress... I've been munching away, but I'm now full and I've only managed about half a tube... am I doing something wrong?  I admit, I started off by wolfing them down so perhaps I've over-exerted myself, but I'd appreciate any suggestions which may help improve my Pringles eating experience.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks,
Dave


I didn't hear a thing until a week later, when the following email arrived:

We are dedicated to providing prompt, efficient and courteous service to all our consumers and hope that based on your recent experience contacting Pringles, you can provide us with some feedback on how well we are meeting this goal. We will use this data to help improve our service to all of our consumers. We appreciate your opinion and would like to receive your response in the next two weeks. Thank you for taking the time to help us serve you better.
Please click here to begin the survey.

Please don't complete survey until we have responded to your initial email. This mailbox is not monitored. Please do not respond to this email. Please follow the normal channels of getting in touch with us.
Thanking you in advance,
Procter & Gamble
Global Consumer Services

I assume that I am going to get a reply at some point, if only so I can complete the survey...

Cold pizza's not for me...

Dear Dominos,

I know a number of people like eating leftover pizza for breakfast.  I, however, never have any pizza slices left to eat the following day (I do like my pizza, as any of my friends or family will confirm).  I also like my bed, especially on cold mornings - unfortunately I like it a little too much, and often don't leave myself enough time to make breakfast before I have to leave for work. 

Therein lies my dilemma - if I didn't love my pizza I'd have something left to eat, and if I didn't love my bed I could make something to eat.

Now, I walk past a Dominos every morning on my way to work (and I'm sure many other people do, too).  Have you ever thought about breakfast pizza?  It would be the same as normal pizza, but served early (obviously), and would benefit over eating leftovers as it would be hot. 

I think this is a marvellous idea, and so does my mate Chris.  I'm happy to waive any claim to this idea if you feel it would be a worthwhile endeavour.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours,
Dave.


Reply:

Dear Dave

Thank you for contacting Domino’s Pizza with your idea it is very much appreciated.

Your comments have been taken on board and will be considered at our next e-commerce development meeting. 

Once again, thank you for sharing your idea it’s always a pleasure to hear from our customers.

Many Thanks

Tracey 

Customer Service Co-Ordinator

A Mars a day...

Hello!

According to the advert, "A Mars a day helps you work, rest, and play".

I'm currently signed off with a bad back - I've eaten a Mars Bar but I don't feel any better (even when I'm resting, like my doctor said I should). Am I doing something wrong? I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers,
Dave



Reply:


Dear Dave,

Thank you for contacting us about our Mars Bar Advert. I am sorry to hear you are unwell however Mars Bars cannot be used for medicinal purposes.

Please note the strap line for our advertising has changed and is now Mars "work, rest and play".

Our advertising campaigns are designed to appeal to a wide range of people and it is not our intention to upset or offend anyone.

We do, however, appreciate your feelings and apologise that we may have offended you.

Once again, thank you for contacting Mars.

Yours sincerely

Victoria
Consumer Care Team 


Nicely handled, Mars - especially sympathising about my 'condition'!

How it all started

Back in 2004, I was eating some chocolate whilst having a conversation in an online chatroom with some friends.  The chocolate was particularly tasty, so almost immediately after I'd finished the first bar I ate another... and then I had another...

The chocolate in question was Cadbury's Fudge - the one with the advertising slogan "A finger of Fudge is just enough until it's time to eat..." - and that got me thinking... what would happen if you took adverts and slogans literally?

Now, the beauty of the internet is that almost every company has an email address or contact form on their website, so I emailed Cadbury with the following query:

I have a question - according to the TV advert, "A finger of Fudge is just enough until it's time to eat..."

If that's the case, can you explain why I have just eaten three in a row?

I look forward to your reply!

Regards,

David

I wasn't really expecting a reply - after all, it was a daft email - but I thought it might bring a smile to someone's face when they waded through the usual complaints and queries.  So imagine my surprise when  I came home from work the following day to see I'd had a reply:

Thanks for your email.

A finger of fudge is usually just enough for many consumers - maybe we should consider making a larger bar for consumers who need more than one bar.

I've passed your comments onto our marketing department for their information.

Thanks
Jane

Result!  Now, almost 6 years on, I've decided to email some other companies - here are the questions (and hopefully the replies!)